Merry-go-round (Metafiction)

      “So we have seen Schopenhauers’ view on females and how they are characterized in his stories. Now....let’s see. Till next class I want you guys to finish up the reading of the world as will and representation and write a reflection on it. To give you a tip, keep in mind that Schopenhauer was interested in Buddhism and his criticisms of Immanuel Kant.”

     “Professor! What about the other essay due next week?”

     “Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you Salena. To answer your question, the due date for that essay will be the week after next week. With the extra week, I will be expecting excellent works from all of you. And as I always say, think about your life as you write. It’ll help you to really immerse into the topic. You should get along now, everyone.”

    Two and a half years have passed since I came to college. I can still remember myself hurrying along to get to the next class a freshman. At the beginning I felt like I would be able to get an honor’s for every single subject, more or less. Well, it turned out that the school was not as, lets say, allowing as I thought. 

     I used to carry along a small notebook with me so that I can take notes on things that came to my mind. Sometimes it served as a very good idea bank, sometimes a diary, and now a part of the past. I was dazed and puzzled at the way the school went around. Especially during the second semester of the first year, the numerous events were quite enough to make me forget about the small note book. And now, since professor Andy, who teaches European literature, is asking me to look back into my life, I am searching for the little notebook I used to carry. 

     “Hey, Lena! Do you know where my little note book is?”

     “Huh? you mean the one you used to carry with you years ago?”

     “Yup, I figured that it is worth looking for.”

     “Hmm..dunno, just try looking in that cabinet of yours that has all the old stuff in it.”

     “Good idea. Thanks Len.”

     “Oh yeah, your mom left something for you Salena, it’s just some fruits and stuff.”

     “Okay, I’ll be right there.”

     So I did look and guess what? My little note pad was there. It tends to become very private sometimes but I’d like to share a part of it with you which was on the first page that I opened. 

     Nowadays, life is like a spinning wheel. I am like a puny little hamster frantically moving my feet, trying to catch up with the speed of the wheel. However, the energy also powers the wheel itself. The faster the hamster runs, the faster the hamster will have to run. Ironically, the hamster is still in the same place, no matter how much time has passed.

     “How can I start to take back all my regrets...”

     As I read this part about the hamster and the spinning wheel, I imaged myself riding the merry-go-round. Dunno why, but that’s what came to my mind. Along with that, I didn’t notice at first, but I was humming the song merry-go-round by the Untouchables.

    “Although I run to you, run to you with all my hart. I hover and linger around...”

     The future seems to be far away as you're going round repeatedly to catch up the speed of fast-rolling wheel, you must hold your soul and pretend not to be hurt. Ironically, as much you pretend to be strong, the more pain you'll be dived into. The more pain you feel, the more you hide yourself. The time seems to crush down out of your reach. However, as you already know, the wheel keeps spinning.

     “...I need to move on, go ahead, face reality.”

     Maybe that is why time is more precious than gold. How much progress one has made depends on him, but time passes uncontrollably. One might be trapped in his own trepidation about losing the race. Once the hamster loses the courage to continue running, the wheel stops. When the wheel stops, the hamster stops. Time is merely a means, a measure of how much one has gone forward. Time cannot crush one down, but the fear of time can.

     “My only wish is to turn back time, back to the days where I was yours, and you were mine.”

     It sounds very philosophical and far away from us, talking about spinning wheels. but it all comes down to our lives right now, the life in KMLA. It seems like your in the same spot no matter what you do. Somedays, you feel too tired to catch up with the spinning wheel that, from some point of my life, started to spin on without my will. Wanting, and begging to stop, but being unable to, is what dominates my mind nowadays.

     “to turn back time...Merry-go-round by the untouchables huh?” said Lena, who was suddenly next to me. 

     “Uh, yeah, it was one of my favorite songs when I was in middle school.”

     “It’s a good song, really. So, did you get an idea for the essay? I was wondering when you would start looking at this little note pad for ideas again. It’s been about two years since you’ve used it right?”

     “Guess so. And I think I have a very good grasp of what I’m gonna write about in my essay. The title is gonna be the Merry-go-round.”